Golf

I’ve started playing golf. Actually, that’s not true. To call what I do “playing golf” is to insult the meaning of the term. So far what I’ve done is go to the driving range and hit about 5,000 balls. Most make a nice banana arc to the right, but every now and then I get one to go straight. Of course then I think I’ve mastered my swing only to wiff the next shot so badly that my right shoulder tries to replace my left shoulder without bringing the rest of my torso with it.

I never thought I’d be a golfer. I used to sit down to watch some kind of sporting event on tv, and invariably there would be a golf game on. My main thought was, “How stupid is this? It’s just an expensive excuse to go for a long walk on freshly mown grass. No way I’m ever going to waste money on this non-sport.”

So, why did I take up the sport if I was so opposed to it? Well, I’m an engineer with a lot of engineering friends. For some reason golf and desk life go hand-in-hand. All of my friends are avid golfers. I figured if I wanted to hang out on the weekends, I’d best learn to do what everyone else was doing. Besides, they always drank beer and smoked cigars while doing it, so how bad could it be.

A funny thing about golf is that there are a lot of bright shiny toys that you just have to have. I’ve started getting catalogs showing all these clubs guaranteed to straighten your game, give you more distance, enhance the feel, etc. (Kinda sounds like condoms, but I digress.) With each catalog I could feel myselft being drawn into the cult of golf. I have to have these idols.

“Look at those Callaway clubs, man those are gorgeous.”

“Wow, that putter would make all the shots for me. How can I not get it?”

“Man, those gloves look supple.” (Hmm, maybe golf’s allure is sexual. Everything has that double meaning sound to it.)

Anyway, I’m hooked. Only played on a real course once, but already I’m thinking about next summer. My goal this fall is to get a brand new custom set of clubs. Of course I expect to be playing the PGA tour mid-2006. With my new clubs, what’s to hold me back?